Parental Writes

Indian style

2008-08-10T18:39:00.001-07:00

Did you know that when kids sit on the ground with their legs crossed it's not called "Indian -style" anymore?

Well, it isn't. Now they say criss cross applesauce. Haven't we robbed Native Americans of enough? Now we are not even letting them have their own style of sit.

Also, i do not encourage my children to threaten me, but my 3-year-old told me today that he would "criss cross my applesauce" and i still haven't stopped laughing.

Holy Birthday Parties, Batman

2008-08-06T06:34:00.000-07:00

Is anyone else amazed at the number of birthday parties that their kids get invited to monthly? It is unbelieveable to me. Are parents saving money on toys by throwing their kids two parties a year or something? My wife and I make a point to take our kids to all of the activities that we can, because the kids want to go and it is good for them to develop socially, but it is almost unmanageable.

I don't think we have had more than one weekend per month since my youngest started school that we don't have a party to go to. You know, I always thought that as my kids got older, that my wife and I might start to earn back some of the free time that you lose because you have young kids that require assistance all of the time. Guess what, that isn't going to happen.

I wish that parents would recognize this and start to make these parties more dad friendly. How about a nice cooler of tall cold ones to sit beside the juice boxes? Why not cook up some nice steaks to go with the hamburgers and hot dogs?

And why don't we get gift bags when we leave the party? Kids get candy and stickers and all kinds of neat little junk. How about making me a bag with some peanuts, a beer coozie and a spool of weed whacker line?

I don't know -

Being a Mom (or Dad)

2008-02-11T13:52:00.000-08:00

How lazy is this? I'm just posting an essay that someone else wrote. It's definitely cheesy...

On Being Mom

by Anna Quindlen

If not for the photographs, I might have a hard time believing they
ever existed. The pensive infant with the swipe of dark bangs and the
black button eyes of a Raggedy Andy doll. The placid baby with the
yellow ringlets and the high piping voice. The sturdy toddler with the
lower lip that curled
into an apostrophe above her chin. All my babies are gone now.

I say this not in sorrow but in disbelief. I take great satisfaction
in what I have today: three almost-adults, two taller than I am, one
closing in fast. Three people who read the same books I do and have
learned not to be afraid of disagreeing with me in their opinion of
them, who sometimes
tell vulgar jokes that make me laugh until I choke and cry, who need
razor blades and shower gel and privacy, who want to keep their doors
closed more than I like. Who, miraculously, go to the bathroom, zip up
their jackets and move food from plate to mouth all by themselves.

Like the trick soap I bought for the bathroom with a rubber duckie at
its center, the baby is buried deep within each, barely discernible
except through the unreliable haze of the past. Everything in all the
books I once pored over is finished for me now. Penelope Leach. T.
Berry Brazelton. Dr. Spock. The ones on sibling rivalry and sleeping
through the
night and early-childhood education, all grown obsolete. Along with
Goodnight Moon and Where the Wild Things Are, they are battered,
spotted, well used. But I suspect that if you flipped the pages dust
would rise like memories.

What those books taught me, finally, and what the women on the
playground taught me, and the well-meaning relations -- what they
taught me was that they couldn't really teach me very much at all.
Raising children is presented at first as a true-false test, then
becomes multiple choice, until finally, far along, you realize that it
is an endless essay. No one knows anything. One child responds well to
positive reinforcement, another can be managed only with a stern voice
and a timeout. One boy is toilet-trained at 3, his brother at 2. When
my first child was born, parents were told to put baby to bed on his
belly so that he would not choke on his own spit-up. By the time my
last arrived, babies were put down on their backs because of research
on sudden infant death syndrome. To a new parent this ever-shifting
certainty is terrifying, and then soothing. Eventually you must learn
to
trust yourself. Eventually the research will follow.

First science said environment was the great shaper of human nature.
But it certainly seemed as though those babies had distinct
personalities, some contemplative, some gregarious, some crabby. And
eventually science said that was right, and that they were hard-wired
exactly as we had
suspected.

Still, the temptation to defer to the experts was huge. The literate
parent, who approaches everything; cooking, decorating, life as though
there were a paper due or an exam scheduled, is in particular peril
when the kids arrive.

How silly it all seems now. The obsessing about language acquisition
and physical milestones, the riding the waves of normal, gifted,
hyperactive, all those labels that reduced individuality to a series
of cubbyholes. But I could not help myself. I had watched my mother
casually raise five children born over 10 years, but by watching her I
intuitively
knew that I was engaged in the greatest and potentially most
catastrophic task of my life. I knew that there were mothers who had
worried with good reason, that there were children who would have
great challenges to meet.

We were lucky; ours were not among them. Nothing horrible or
astonishing happened: there was hernia surgery, some stitches, a
broken arm and a fuchsia cast to go with it. Mostly ours were the
ordinary everyday errors and miracles of raising a child, and our
children's challenges the old familiar ones of learning to live as
themselves in the world. The trick
was to get past my fears, my ego and my inadequacies to help them do that.

I remember 15 years ago poring over one of Dr. Brazelton's wonderful
books on child development, in which he describes three different
sorts of infants: average, quiet, and active. I was looking for a
sub-quiet codicil for an 18-month-old who did not walk. Was there
something wrong with his fat
little legs? Was there something wrong with his tiny little mind? Was
he developmentally delayed, physically challenged? Was I insane? Last
year he went to China. Next year he goes to college. He can talk just
fine. He can walk, too.

Every part of raising children is humbling, too. Believe me, mistakes
were made. They have all been enshrined in the
Remember-When-Mom-Did Hall of Fame. The outbursts, the temper
tantrums, the bad language, mine, not theirs. The times the baby fell
off the bed. The times I arrived late for preschool pickup. The
nightmare sleepover. The
horrible summer camp. The day when the youngest came barreling out of
the classroom with a 98 on her geography test, and I responded, What
did you get wrong? (She insisted I include that.) The time I ordered
food at the McDonald's drive-through speaker and then drove away
without picking it up from the window. (They all insisted I include
that.) I did not allow them to watch the Simpsons for the first two
seasons. What was I thinking?

But the biggest mistake I made is the one that most of us make while
doing this. I did not live in the moment enough. This is particularly
clear now that the moment is gone, captured only in photographs. There
is one picture of the three of them sitting in the grass on a quilt in
the shadow
of the swing set on a summer day, ages 6, 4 and 1. And I wish I could
remember what we ate, and what we talked about, and how they sounded,
and how they looked when they slept that night. I wish I had not been
in such a
hurry to get on to the next thing: dinner, bath, book, bed. I wish I
had treasured the doing a little more and the getting it done a little
less.

Even today I'm not sure what worked and what didn't, what was me and
what was simply life. When they were very small, I suppose I thought
someday they would become who they were because of what I'd done. Now
I suspect they
simply grew into their true selves because they demanded in a thousand
ways that I back off and let them be. The books said to be relaxed and
I was often tense, matter-of-fact and I was sometimes over the top.

And look how it all turned out. I wound up with the three people I
like best in the world, who have done more than anyone to excavate my
essential humanity.

That's what the books never told me. I was bound and determined to
learn from the experts. It just took me a while to figure out who the
experts were.

Preggers Bball

2007-07-26T08:36:00.000-07:00

I promise to start actually posting something other than videos...just not today. this is pretty damn funny. I wondered what happened to Jenna Elfman.

Mama Jams with Jenna Elfman

Rocking the Eff Out

2007-07-03T10:14:00.000-07:00

I saw this on Casie's site and LOLed like it was my job. Funny stuff.

http://view.break.com/313187 - Watch more free videos

Peer Pressure

2007-06-28T06:24:00.000-07:00

This isn't about the cool kids trying to get you to smoke some tweeds or shoplift some stogies. I think we are all beyond that. What I'm talking about is the never-ending pressure to have children once you have been married for more than a year.

Let me give you an example; my buddy Evan somehow hoodwinked his lovely wife Jen into marrying him about 3-ish years ago. By his own account, he is questioned on a daily basis regarding their plans for children. Why? Why are people so intent on forcing the issue?

I was watching a wonderful show the other night where NBA superstar Shaquille O'Neal worked with a bunch of tubby kids to try and get them back into shape. In addition to being fat, these kids had something else in common; their parents have failed them miserably. As an 11 year old, you don't tip the scales at 200+ pounds without your parents buying you a few thousand happy meals.

They may seem unrelated, but from my perspective, the parents of these fatties didn't accept the role of a parent. Maybe because they had their kids for the wrong reasons.

Admittedly, this is a stretch, but I'm trying to make a point...so bear with me.

Having a kid is hard work. It is not something that is to be entered in lightly. The people that are trying to badger you into procreating will not be there when your child wakes up every 30 minutes. When you have to run your child to the ER at 3AM, they will not be joining you.

If you don't want to have a kid...if you are not ready...then don't. I don't say this to scare you. Having a child is by far and away the most rewarding experience of my life. Obviously i love it...I'm having another one. But it's definitely not easy.

This is not something to be entered into on a whim. The world is full of kids whose parents didn't step up to the plate.

Watch This

2007-06-26T11:09:00.000-07:00

Thanks to soon-to-be-Daddy Talley for the link

Good Cop, Baby Cop

Best Parenting Blog Evar?

2007-05-30T08:05:00.000-07:00

vote away bitches!!!!!!

Toy Recommendations

2007-05-17T06:38:00.000-07:00

As my dear friend Susie pointed out yesterday, i have been slacking on the posting and need to "hop to it."

I figured that a good way to make me get off my arse and post is to have a weekly focus. So every Thursday i'll be giving toy recommendations.

Todays pick is an oldie but a goodie: Sidewalk Chalk

Now Bryce is almost two, so take that into consideration, but that guy loves this stuff. I picked some up for him at the grocery store thinking it would be a good thing to do on nice days and that it might make him sit still for about 40 seconds. He is absolutely bonkers for them (i've been trying to use the word "bonkers" more because i think it's funny. I'm also trying to bring back "rad" but it has been a monumental failure).

Pros: It's cheap and is easy to clean up. Our house, emblazened with pink, yellow, orange purple and blue chalk, often looks like it has been tagged by a gay gang. So the fact that i can easily bust out the hose and spray it off (or just wait for a rainstorm) is key.

Cons: We may be encouraging vandalism.

To A Dad, From A Dad: Practical Advice From a Father of 4 1/2

2007-05-09T08:34:00.000-07:00

Buy this book by Bill Mayer. Practical, common sense for new fathers.

I judge all parenting book on 3 criteria:

1. Is it funny?
2. Is it useful information?
3. How many trips to the toilet will it take too read cover to cover?

This book is funny, it is loaded with good tips and useful information and it can be read covber to cover in about 4 trips to the crapper.

I saw Barnes & Noble has it for about 13 bucks. If you can find it cheaper, leave a comment and i'll update the link.

Doing Your Best

2007-05-03T11:21:00.000-07:00

It's funny how caught up people get in comparing their children to their friend's children.

As many of you know, i am an expert on raising kids (having kept one alive now for nearly two years) so listen up: Just do the best you can.

You could drive yourself crazy trying to make sure your kid is where he or she is "supposed to be" on developmental charts. Some kids just do stuff faster than others.I mean, if your kid is 4 and throws poop at your TV, consult a pediatrician. But if your kid is supposed to be able to point to his or her nose at 7 months and can't do it at 8 months,don't freak out. There is nothing wrong with your kid.Maybe they just don't give a shit about their nose...

The thing is, if you spend time with your kids, they are probably going to turn out just fine. Don''t stress about when they walk, when they talk, if they drool, when to potty train them, etc. You don't see many adults crawling around on all fours drooling, babbling incoherently and crapping their pants so clearly these things have a way of working themselves out.

Keep them safe and love them. You'll be pleasantly surprised at how the rest comes naturally.

Come on...if Evan can do it, anyone can.

Why is it?

2007-04-23T12:10:00.000-07:00

Why do boys naturally like boy things and girls naturally like girl things? I don't know, but they do.

I have 2 year old twins, one girl and one boy. My boy, without any prompting, has an obsession with tractors, race cars, bigrig trucks and mudpuddles. He makes noises when he plays with his toys like a giant diesel engine. If there is a mudpuddle in my yard, he jumps in it, repeatedly.

My girl loves Barbies, Polly Pockets and stuffed animals. She cuddles them, makes them talk and gives them "baths." She helps her older sister perform weddings too.

Is there genetics at play here? Is the maternal instinct for women already present at two years old? Is the hunter-gatherer instinct what makes boys like big loud machines? Who knows. Maybe readers here can shed some light on this.

How to Straighten Your Child's Ass Out by Alec Baldwin

2007-04-20T05:58:00.000-07:00

If you have ever had doubts about the job you are doing as a parent, take a listen to the voice mail that Alec Baldwin left for his 11 year old daughter...who, apparently, is a "thoughtless little pig."

Funny Stuff

2007-04-17T13:20:00.000-07:00

Thanks to my friend Cybelle for passing this along::

I took down the Will Ferrell Landlord video because the mofo starts playing automatically. If you live in a cave or just came out of a coma and haven't seen it, this entire paragraph is a link to the video.

I watched it again while i was fixing this post...it still kills me.

Pearl: come Mommy

Will Ferrell: Jesus

From The Crib To The Bed

2007-04-11T08:17:00.000-07:00

About two weeks ago Bryce put on his rendition of The Great Escape.

It was Sunday afternoon. Ashley was out and about, so it was just Bryce and I. As his nap time approached we went through the usual routine; enjoy a glass of milk, read a couple of stories, and then into the crib. The entire process went off without a hitch. I'm talking effing hitchless.

I carefully shut the door that leads to the back of the house so as not to wake him and went into the kitchen to do our lunch dishes. I was standing at the sink frantically washing so i could enjoy watching some television and maybe have a few beers on the back porch while Bryce slept when i heard the doorknob start to jiggle.

I'm not going to lie here, i was scared shitless. Among the people/animals that could be on the other side of that door going through my head were burglars, ninjas, a tall raccoon...too many to mention really.

As i hesitantly opened the door, i found the last person on Earth i would have expected to see quietlt standing in the middle of the hall - Bryce.

I guess i was too surprised to say anything because he held out his stuffed animals and said 'i have a puppy and a monkey." To his credit, he did. The kid knows his animals(wild and domestic)

I asked him how he got out of his crib and he said "I fell."

I put him back in , told him "night-night "and then hid in the hall just outside of his room..

Less than a minute passed before i saw a stuffed monkey followed by a stuffed puppy come hurtling out of his crib to the floor below. Knowing what was coming next i bolted into the room just in time to see him jumping out of his crib like that little Chinese dude in Ocean's 11.

Anyway, we have made the change from crib to bed a little sooner than we wanted and it has been OK. He has been getting up more in the middle of the night and nap time has been a struggle, but i can definitely see progress.

It's funny the advice people give you that stick with you. My friend Tony (the father of three boy) once told me shortly after Bryce's birth that just when you think you have the whole sleep thing figured out and that you have developed a routine that works the kid will do something to totally screw it up.

ADHD = Hogwash

2007-03-29T06:32:00.000-07:00

ADHD is under-diagnosed. That's right, i said it.

But guess what? It's also over-prescribed.

The recent story of the boy scout who lost his way in the NC Mountains was underscored by the medias repeated attempt to link his wanderings with his diagnosis of having ADHD.

The thing is, i don't believe that is is an actual condition.

The reason i say that the condition is under-diagnosed is because i believe all children have it...hell, i'm 31 and i'm pretty sure i have it.

Here are the symptoms of ADHD according to The Center For Disease Control(CDC).

Inattention

1. Often does not give close attention to details or makes careless mistakes in schoolwork, work, or other activities.

2.Often has trouble keeping attention on tasks or play activities.

3.Often does not seem to listen when spoken to directly.

4.Often does not follow instructions and fails to finish schoolwork, chores, or duties in the workplace (not due to oppositional behavior or failure to understand instructions).

5.Often has trouble organizing activities.

6.Often avoids, dislikes, or doesn't want to do things that take a lot of mental effort for a long period of time (such as schoolwork or homework).

7. Often loses things needed for tasks and activities (e.g. toys, school assignments, pencils, books, or tools).

8.Is often easily distracted.

9.Is often forgetful in daily activities.

Hyperactivity

1.Often fidgets with hands or feet or squirms in seat.

2.Often gets up from seat when remaining in seat is expected.

3.Often runs about or climbs when and where it is not appropriate (adolescents or adults may feel very restless).

4.Often has trouble playing or enjoying leisure activities quietly.

5.Is often "on the go" or often acts as if "driven by a motor".

6.Often talks excessively.

Impulsivity

1.Often blurts out answers before questions have been finished.

2.Often has trouble waiting one's turn.

3.Often interrupts or intrudes on others (e.g., butts into conversations or games).

Sound like any kids you know? How about EVERY kid you know?

We live in a world were we are medicating children for simply being children. Do some kids have emotional issues? Duh, of course they do. Chemical imbalances are not just reserved for adults, but the sheer number of kids taking prescription drugs to control their behavior is simply frightening. I'm not a child psychologist, but let me throw this out there: The reason your kids are hyperactive and cannot pay attention in school is because they are not being challenged. How do we fix it? Medicate them.

From my perspective there are a number of different forces at work here.

- Programs like No Child Left Behind means that every class is moving at the pace of it's dumbest student. Can you blame smart kids for losing focus when they are forced to wait for little Timmy to put 2 and 2 together?

- Lazy teachers. I know a few wonderful teachers and i am fully aware that it is largely a thankless endeavor, but i also know there are teachers out there who are simply going through the motions. They would much rather have a class of Stepford zombies mindlessly writing down their every word than kids with boundless enthusiasm and limitless imagination challenging their authority.

- Dumbass parents. If you haven't tirelessly explored every option before putting your kid on behavior modifying drugs, than you are a piece of shit. How dare you rob them of their childhood simply because you are too scared to parent. Grow a pair.

I guess the reason i am so passionate about this subject is because i have absolutely no doubt that were i a elementary aged youth right now, my parents would be encouraged to put me on something. I struggle to focus as much today as i did in 1981. Thankfully, these drugs were not readily available then. Thankfully, companies eager to make a buck selling drugs hadn't invented a "disease" to further their cause. Thankfully, my imagination wasn't stymied and my childhood spent in a medicinal haze.

I'm anxious to hear other's opinions on the subject.

Getting Kids To Eat

2007-03-19T06:06:00.000-07:00

Sometimes i feel like Bryce should be trying new things. We have our staples; yogurt, crackers, chex mix, apples, carrots, cheese, pizza, chicken nuggets, pancakes..etc.

It's easy to get in a rut. I came across this chick's blog and she had a couple of recipes that I'm going to try. This one was my favorite because even if Bryce doesn't like them, I'm going to wolf those mofos down.

Chicken and Apple Balls with Honey Mustard Dipping Sauce

Ingredients

* 2 large chicken breasts, cut into chunks
* 1 onion, finely chopped
* 1 tbsp parsley
* 50g/2oz fresh white breadcrumbs
* 1 large granny smith apple, peeled and grated
* 1 chicken stock cube dissolved in 1 tbsp boiling water
* flour, for coating
* vegetable oil for frying

1. Using your hands, squeeze out a little excess liquid from the grated apple.
2. Mix together the first six ingredients and chop in a food processor for a few seconds. Season with a little salt and pepper.
3. With your hands, form into about 20 balls, roll in flour and fry in shallow oil until lightly golden and cooked through (about 10 minutes).

Honey Mustard Sauce

* 4 tbsp honey
* 3 tbsp good mustard
* 2 tbsp cream

Mix all ingredients together until smooth. Serve immediately.

If anyone has any other good recipes or suggestions let me know.

Discipline

2007-03-13T12:10:00.000-07:00

We are coming to a crossroads with Bryce.

While i generally have all the answers to life's many questions, i am actually struggling with some stuff right now. I know you guys are probably just as shocked as me about this. It can be shocking when the person whose tips you are using to raise your children admits that he is befuddled by something, but you are just going to have to sack up and ride this one out with me.

In a nutshell; Bryce is pushing our buttons. Messing with the TV, throwing stuff at the windows, climbing up on the coffee table, trying to draw on the walls with his crayons, etc., etc.

This is just him pushing the boundaries, which is fine because I am a firm believer in setting them.

My dilemma is , at almost 21 months, should i be disciplining him with words or with fists of steel? Fists of steel is an over-exaggeration, I've just been giving his hand a smack when he messes with something he shouldn't be messing with.

Thoughts?

Apology

2007-03-07T11:54:00.000-08:00

Just some clarification; in the first post i ever put on here i mentioned that my buddy Quady was giving me a hard time:

I had a conversation with my dear friend Quady this past Saturday and in regards to my weekly parenting tips, he suggested that i get off my high horse. He mentioned that i am not the world's best Dad and that i do not know it all. I thought the first post on the new blog might be a good time to clear the air.

What i neglected to make perfectly clear was the fact that Quady was just joking. His comments (made in jest) justgot me thinking that if you didn't know me personally, you would think I'm a pretentious ace hole., so i had better clear the air.

To be perfectly clear, my friend Quady was not saying i was on a horse of any height. He is a wonderful father of 2(nearly 3), an amateur bike enthusiast, sub-par hacky sacker, first rate pellet gun sniper, the burner and a very good friend.

Hope that clears things up.

.

Baby Names

2007-03-07T09:12:00.000-08:00

Picking out a name for your kid is a big deal.

You will find that people have no problem offering up unsolicited advice on the name you choose should you decide to tell them your child's name prior to their birth.

This is why i recommend you keep that shit to yourself.

The only exception to this rule is if you have a name in mind that you fear someone will steal. A good name is difficult to decide upon and it is a crushing blow to have some knuckleheads pull the rug out from under you.

My advice this week is primarily for people expecting a daughter. A good rule of thumb when choosing a name, is to put the name in this sentence:

"And coming up from the backside, fellas, put your hands together for (insert name here)."

If the name fits, you must forget it.

Grandparenting Tip

2007-02-28T13:00:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure a scientific study has ever been done on this interesting phenomenon, but at some point Grandparents begin to confuse generic foodstuffs with their brand name counterparts.

I'll give you a few examples::

- I have stood witness to many a grandparent offering up a refreshing "Coke" only to discover a refrigerator stocked with diet ginger ale.

- Another common occurrence is to be offered an "Oreo" only to be disappointed as you are given a choc-o-round.

Individually, spread out over time, these things start to add up. As Grandparents, it is your job to spoil your Grandchildren. Pulling the old bait and switch and hooking them up with whack ass treats just isn't going to get the job done.

Luckily, our parents have not yet journeyed down this path, but the other day my Mom asked me if i wanted a Coke and she returned with a Mountain Dew and a Diet Coke...and i started to worry.

Do they Understand Us?

2007-02-21T10:37:00.000-08:00

Bryce is almost 21 months old, so naturally he is talking up a storm. The guy can count to 20and knows his ABC's, so i feel like he's a pretty smart kid.

It's been fun the past few months as our conversations with him have evolved into something resembling a coherent discussion. I have, however, found myself giving him a little bit too much credit.

This is the conversation we had on Monday after i picked him up from daycare:

Brent: did you have fun at school? (we call it school, but it's daycare)
Bryce: yeah!
Brent: Did you play with your friends?
Bryce: yeah!
Brent: What games did you play?
Bryce: apple
Brent; you played apple?
Bryce: yeah!
Brent: who played apple with you?
Bryce: Red
Brent: huh?
Bryce: 1! 2! 3! 4!...

I guess we still have a way to go.

The parenting tip this week kind of relates; You need to watch what you say around kids.

Bryce hasn't started copying everything we say, but he definitely mimics what we do. His good buddy Big Game James is about 6 months older than him, so he is usually a good measuring stick to see what our next challenge will be. BGJ repeats everything his Mommy and Daddy say word for word.

Luckily, his parents aren't a couple of rowdy sailors, so i haven't heard his cussing up a storm.

Unfortunately for Bryce, i do have a potty mouth, so i have been trying to cut back on my incessant swearing.

Jesus De Christos! This was worse than Supernanny's tips. I need some new ideas.

Any topics you'd like me to take on?

Getting Off My High Horse

2007-02-14T07:39:00.000-08:00

I had a conversation with my dear friend Quady this past Saturday and in regards to my weekly parenting tips, he suggested that i get off my high horse. He mentioned that i am not the world's best Dad and that i do not know it all. I thought the first post on the new blog might be a good time to clear the air.

After re-reading my posts, i felt like this would be a good time to tell everyone a secret; I do not have a clue what i am doing.

In fact i make tons of mistakes all the time. I gave Bryce peanut butter when he was 6 months old. I'm an idiot.

The tip i post are lessons i have learned the hard way. It's my sincere hope that people learn from my mistakes. If i come across as a know it all, well too damn bad. That's just me. I'm not in the habit of apologizing for who i am.

That being said, here is a list of things i have done wrong:

-I give Bryce junk food. Sometimes, when he won't eat what i want him to, i give him Cheetos and chocolate milk.

- I am a horrible house cleaner upper. Bryce and i make messes all the time and i rarely pick them up..

- I was putting size 7 shoes on his feet everyday. Ashley got his foot measured and he wears a size 8. I was unknowingly binding his feet like a small Asian girl.

- Sometimes i don't feel like hanging out at home and would rather just go drink some beers with my buddies.

- I'm not sure how i managed this, but i haven't changed a poopy diaper in 3 days.

There are plenty more things i do wrong, but my point here is i am not the world's best Dad...i just want to be.

I think my son is the best kid in the world, so why shouldn't he have the best Daddy?

Like everyone else, i'm a work in progress. This is just a place to talk about my experiences as a father. Nothing more, nothing less. I hope this helps people and i also hope that as the site grows many people lend their experiences and voices .

Parenting Tips - Sick Kids

2007-02-08T12:14:00.000-08:00

Let me catch you up to date on the past two weeks of my life:

Last week was filled with a couple long nights nursing Bryce back to health. Ashley and i made an unexpected visit to the ER on Tuesday nigtht/Wednesday morning due to our little guys high fever. While there , we saw a lady throw up in a bucket. I guess it inspired Bryce because he promptly threw up on Ashley.

It turns out he had an ear infection.

This week Ashley and i have been sick..

Which leads me to my parenting tip. I guess it's not really a tip, it's more of a statement of fact: Kids get sick a lot. I mean, way more than i ever thought. The thing that sucks is, there is nothing you can do to stop it.

I guess you could sequester them in your house all winter or make them wear those little Michael Jackson masks, but that would just make them weirdos.

Daycare, the park, play groups...i don't know where he picks this stuff up, but i'll be damned if Bryce hasn't had a runny nose since November. Add in the fact that as a parent, you are virtually guaranteed of getting whatever your child has and this becomes quite irritating.

For those of you expecting, those of you who got knocked up over the weekend or those of you that are thinking about having kids, this was not meant to scare you. But rather to give you a heads up. To be honest, the only time Bryce sits still is when he isn't feeling well, so we had some good snuggling time. .

You just have to look for the silver lining.

Parenting Tips - Being a "Cool" Dad

2007-02-08T12:12:00.000-08:00

My buddy Tim alerted me to this earlier in the week. I was unaware of the underground revolution taking place. Apparently some fathers are concerned with their children's opinions on their "coolness."

Tim's response to this: "I think if you have to read a book on being a cool Dad, then you might not be a cool Dad." I couldn't agree more.

My friend Dave has 4 kids under the age of 5. He is a machine. His response: "All you need to do is interact with your kids a lot. Play with them and have fun with them. Don't be scared to make a fool of yourself in front of them. That is what makes you a cool parent."

Again, good advice. The time you spend with your kid will bring you nothing but rewards.

So, if being a cool parent is so easy, why do so many Dads struggle? I have stood witness to close friends walking into a get-together, handing their child to their wife and saying "See you later." Seriously. And they wern't kidding. From start to finish, they basically hid from their wife and children.

I can't decide if i am angry at their irresponsibility or jealous that they get a free pass on keeping an eye on their kid. Maybe i'm mad at myself for being a little jealous. Maybe i'm amazed that their wives seemingly are fine with chasing children all over a frends house at the expense of being able to carry on an adult conversation. I mean, if they don't care, why should i?

I've said it before and i'll say it again, i'm no expert on raising kids. But what i do know, is that fathers who repeatedly choose their friends over their kids will be the ones to suffer. You can never get back the time you missed watching your children grow up.

Trying to maintain your friendships while raising a family is definitely a balancing act. You need to have friends outside your house. But sometimes you have to sacrifice. I've missed some games that i would have loved to have gone to. I've missed out on drinking some beers with the boys more times than i care to remember. It's hard not to be a little resentful of the guys who still get to live life like they are childless.

For myself, i feel like i do a good job of having adult time out with my friends and spending plenty of quality time with Bryce. But, just to be honest, because of Ashley's unorthodox work schedule, i am often left alone with him on nights and weekends. If she had a regular 9-5, who knows if things might be different.

Parenting Tips - Musings On Babysitters and Daycare

2007-02-08T12:09:00.000-08:00

I am going to my buddy Lumpy's farwell performance at Charlie Goodnights this evening. Lumpy is a funny SOB, so i'm looking forward to havng a few beers and possibly a giant pitcher of margaritas...we'll see where the night takes me.

Anyway, because Ashley will not be getting home until later, i needed to find someone to come over for about an hour and make sure he doesn't drink scotch, download porn or play with fireworks. We are fortunate to have both our parents, our siblings and a great group of friends living withing close proximity. So finding someone to watch Bryce usually isn't too difficult.

But not everyone is this lucky. That's why it is imperative that you find a good babysitter that you can trust. Without one, you will be stuck at home until your children are in their teens. That isn't good for you or your child. You and your husband/wife/baby's daddy/whatever need time to yourselves and children benefit from realizing that they are part of a family and not that the family revolves around them. I would also reccomend hiring 2 or 3 oversexed, hot 18-year-olds whenever possible. I have not had the good fortune to orchestrate such a set-up, but i feel that only good could come from this arrangement.

Bryce also goes to daycare twice a week for about 5 hours each day. This really sucked the first 4 or 5 times we dropped him off because he screamed like a mad man and it made us feel like complete ace holes. Looking back now, it was one of the best things we have ever done. It helped him better socialize with other kids and made him not quite so "clingy" when we are out and about. This is not to say everyone should put their kids in daycare, but i do think some type of regular interaction with other adults as well as other kids is beneficial to their social development.

To sum it up:

1. Get a babysitter and have some adult time. It's what's best for everyone.
2. Make sure your kids interact with someone other than you on a regular basis.

Parenting Tips- The Secret To Great Parenting

2007-02-08T12:07:00.000-08:00

I apologize to those of you that actually read this for the lack of a parenting tip last week. I was far too drunk to be giving anyone advice about anything. I know most of you don't even feed your kids unless i give you the go-ahead, so here we go:

I was thinking about what tip to impart today on the way to work and it occurred to me that there is no secret formula to raising a child. It's something like 47% genetics, 53% luck, 12% diet, 36% influence of their friends. Those aren't actual statistics and you'll notice that they add up to well over 100%, but i've never had a head for figures. Not much of an adder.

My point is, no one has all the answers. When you are preggers, you will be giving roughly 70 books to read. You will highlight paragraphs that speak to you. You will try to make your husband read books on becoming a parent. You will subscribe to that baby website that sends monthly updates about what hijinks your fetus is up to in your gut.

The problem is; the authors of those books and the webmasters of the sites don't have your kid. Every baby is different. If they were all the same, there would only be one book. There is no magical set of instructions that you can laminate and put on the fridge. You have the baby and then all hell breaks loose. Not in a bad way, mind you, in fact it's the most awesome clusterfuck you will ever be part of.

There will be times when you think you've got it all figured out. Then you will have a morning like the one i had today. It started around 2:30AM when Bryce decided he wanted to get an early start. It's impossible to reason with a 18 month old kid, so you just have to roll with the punches. My man just wanted to jump on his trampoline. You can't fault hime for that. It took about an hour to get him back to sleep, but he did go back to sleep. Thank God.

We are fortunate to have had a child that wasn't colicky. We are fortunate to have a child that sleeps well (this morning excluded). We are fortunate to have a child that is very good natured. I'd like to take credit for everything, but some of it is certainly luck. There are just some things you can't plan for and that's what makes the journey all the more rewarding.

Parenting Tips- Childproofing Your House

2007-02-08T12:05:00.000-08:00

Thanks to my friend Susie for the kick in the ass i needed to get this up. Susie is currently preggers and i'm pretty sure she will be raising her child according to my exact specifications as outlined in each installment of my Wednesday Parenting Tips. So when i don't post these helpful hints, i'm letting down unborn children. I figure i should at least wait until kids are born before i start disappointing them.

Anyway, i asked Susie what she was most concerned about and she said walking/crawling around the house and other household dangers. She is also concerned about them throwing food.

I can handle the food throwing concern pretty quickly. Your kid is going to throw food and your dog is going to love your kid because of it. I would suggest getting one of those high chair floor mats because babies have horrible manners. Bryce threw a noodle alomost 10 feet the other night. I'm surprised i haven't spotted scouts coming by the house with radar guns to clock him. The kid has an arm.

Bottom line: Don't worry about it. It works itself out. Don't even attempt to try and teaach proper table etiquette to a baby. It will frustrate you and is a huge waste of time. Babies don't even have the sense not to poop in their britches, not much sense in teaching them the difference between the salad fork and the regular fork. You'll know when it's time to start cracking down.

As far a child-proofing your house, go for it. I have some friends who have child latches on every cabinet, those doorknob thingys, toilet seat locks, etc. But guess what? Their kids still found a way to get hurt.

The thing is, if you think about it, kids can find a way to hurt themselves with just about anything. If they don't figure out how to get around the child-resistant whatever (and they usually do) they will just get hurt doing something else. I think common sense and parental supervision will go much farther than rushing out to target and stocking up on child-proofing junk. Kids get hurt. I know i did. I'll bet you did too. It's part of growing up.

The worst accident Bryce ever had happened with Ashley and i standing about 2 feet away. He busted his little noggin open on a toy faster than the speed of light. There was some blood and as usual Ashley handled it perfectly while i kind of freaked out. The lesson i learned was that there is very little i can do about an accident happening. The best thing i can do is make sure i watch him and make sure there are not any potentially dangerous things in places he frequents.

Parenting Tips- Children's Clothing

2007-02-08T12:04:00.000-08:00

We've all head the expression "Clothes make the man." Well, this applies to children as well.

I have absolutely no proof of what i'm about to say and as usual, i will be making sweeping generalizations and half-assed hypotheses to prove my point. But the crux of this posting is: If you dress you kid up like a damned nerd, then your kid will become a nerd.

It is nurture, not nature trhat produces the geeky looking kids you see hanging around arcades, discussing Harry Potter and playng Magic: The Gathering till the wee hours of the morning. These unfortunate creatures are products of generations of nerdiness that starts at birth with the introduction of dorkish clothing. It's time that people took ownership of this epidemic and stop the cycle of nerdery.

The thing is, kids go through a ton of clothes. I'll bet Bryce wears 4 different outfits a day. So, at some point, he has on something that doesn't match or looks kind of silly. This stuff happens.

My issue is with people that dress their children like color blind vagrants prior to going to social functions. If you are heading to the backyard to make mudpies, throw on a doofy sweatshirt and some ratty pants. Who cares? They are just going to get dirty anyway. But if you are going to a play group or the park or the mall or a Christmas party leave the purple sweatpants and stained 1983 unicorn tee at home.

Thanks to Target, Old Navy, consignment shops, etc., children's clothing is very affordable so there is no reason to have your kids walking around in public looking like an orphan.

This also extends to people who ignore the fact that their children are growing. Don't put your kids in highwater jeans and tight sweaters...not only are they uncomfortable, but it makes you look like an idiot.

I know it's superficial and we should be teaching our kids it's what's on the inside that counts, but to some degree we are judged by what we wear and the way we carry ourselves. If you dress your kid like he or she rides the short bus, then thats how people will treat them. If they are always treated as an outcast, then they will always feel like an outcast. What do outcasts do? They hang out in arcades, discuss Harry Potter and play Magic: the Gathering until 3 in the morning. (I also believe there is some correlation to this and a boy's ability to throw a tight spiral, but that is for another Wednesday.)

Also remember that your kids will emulate you. Look at yourself. Are you wearing sweat pants with the elastic cuffs at the bottom? Unless you are at home sick or starring in some type of 80s high school wrestling made for TV movie, it's time to make some changes.

Being a kid is hard enough, don't send your children into the world with 2 strikes against them.

Parenting Tips- Sleeping

2007-02-08T12:03:00.000-08:00

Getting a child on some type of sleep schedule is imparative. This is one of those lessons we had to learn the hard way.

i remember hearing people with children say things like "if johnny isn't in bed by 8, he falls apart" and "We'd love to meet you out, but it will be past little Jenkin's bedtime." I'd always assumed these parents were a bunch of damned crybabies. How the hell is staying up an hour later going to mess up their kid's schedule?

Well, now i have a kid and would like to apologize for doubting my friends.

For the 1st 6 months of Bryce's life we pretty much set his schedule around ours...or tried to anyway. We put him down around 9. Then he would wake up a few times during the night, we might pull him into bed with us, he was all over the map. It just wasn't working.

At his 6 month appointment Ashley mentioned that he still wasn't sleeping well. When the pediatrician found out that we were putting him down around 9 she immediatly called social services and had Bryce removed from or home. Not reaally. But she did say that we were putting him down way too late. (Just an asdide: our pediatrician is kind of hot and likes to get real close to me when she talks. If you want her name, shoot me an email)

So the next 3 or 4 nights were the suckiest sucks that ever sucked. Bryce's new bedtime was somewhere between 7:30 and 8. We had basically been putting him down when he was so exhausted he could barely keep his eyes open, so when we switched it up on him, he wasn't pleased. Nothing is as heart-wrenching as listening to your kid cry himself to sleep. It was difficult, but neccesary.

here are a few tips for getting your kid on a schedule:

- Start a night time routine. Bath, bottle, then read 3 books....something like that. This also makes it easy for babysitters to put your kid to bed.

- Do not get in the habit of letting your kid sleep with you. It's an easy thing to get stared, but a difficult habit to break. The longer you do it, the more anxiety it's going to cause you and your child. I could go on about this for days and I know different things work for different people, but in my opinion this is a bad thing to get started. Your relationship with your husband or wife will be permanetly damaged if there is a little rug rat in your bed for the next 6 years.

- Background noise. We have a humidifier that runs every night. Some people use fans or one of those white noise machines. This is good because you won't have to creep around your house on tipppy-toes all night. It is also helpful in sitruations where you are traveling and the kid has to sleep in a new place. I think the familiar noise comforts them.

I'm sure others have some good tips or disagree with some of my opinions so i'd like to hear them before i am killed by a live Cobra in my mailbox.

Parenting Tips - Children's Television Programs

2007-02-08T12:00:00.000-08:00

Sorry for the hold up, had some computer issues this morning that needed to be addressed.

Do you like how i pretend that people are on the edge of their seats awaiting each parenting tip post? Well, It's called suspension of disbelief. Give it a try.

Todays tip is about the pleathora of children's programs that there are to choose from.

Bryce doesn't watch much TV, but every now and then most parents need about 30 minutes or so to unwind, do dishes, clean up, make out, etc. So, it's important that you find something that entertains your child while hopefully not turning him or her into a mouth-breathing dimwit. So, in my infinite wisdom, i am bestowing on you my list of top 3 children's shows and 3 children's shows that should be murdered. I'm not sure how you can murder a show, i just know it needs to happen.

Best:

1. Sesame Street - Still the best shit going. I'm not too crazy about Elmo usurping Grover's popularity over the past 10 years, but i guess times change. Trash Gordon, Mr. Noodle, the ambiguous sexuality of Bert and Ernie...this show has it all. It's the only show that i genuinly do not mind sitting down and watching with Bryce.

2. Not really a TV show, but the Baby Einstein DVD series is no joke. Personally, i don't get it. The puppets suck, the special effects are special as in "retarded" and there are long periods of lava lamps just being lava lamps. They play classical music to trick you into thinking it''s making your kid smart, but i'm calling bullshit on that notion. For all it's shortcomings, i have yet to see a kid that won't sit down and watch one of these intently for 20-30 minutes.

3. Hi-5 - Hi-5 is on every morning on the learning channel. It is quite honestly one of the most annoying things you will ever see, but it features the lovely and talented Jennifer Peterson-Hind, with whom i have fallen madly in love. She isn't your typical rail-thin, Hollywood whore. She is a sweet girl who like to hang out with fruity people of diverse ethnic backgrouds and sing irritating, albeit catchy, tunes. Also, Bryce seems to enjoy it somewhat. So i get to look at a hot chick and he learns aboout sharing or some shit. Everyone wins.

Honorable mention - Zoboomafoo - Bryce really doesn't like this very much, but it features a Lemur and i think Lemurs are cool. The two dork brothers that host the show are moderatly entertaining mainly because they are constantly looking for excuses to jump into ponds and put frogs on their heads.

Worst

1. Hip Hop Harry - Biggie gets capped and this effing douche bag is still drawing breathe? What a world we live in. Imagine the worst thing you have ever seen in your life, now add a big yellow, ebonics-spewing numb-nuts of a muppet and some little ugly street dancing kids and you have the recipe for this crap fest. I actually think first time Bryce and i saw this was the first time in recorded history a baby has ever said "what the fuck" without ever actually hearing the phrase before. So i guess Hip Hop Harry did settle the nature vs. nurture debate.

2. Thomas the Train - gay

3. Big Comfy Couch - My old roomate Grady once shot our TV with a BB gun. I'd always blamed his chemical imbalance, but in retrospect, he could have caught a glimpse of this turd burger. Hate is a strong word and i try not to overuse it, but i hate this show, everyone who works for the show and anybody who actually likes the show. That's a lot of energy to put into hate and some people would argue that teaching a child to hate like this is irresponsible. So let me be perfectly clear: Me and any fruit of my loins shall hate this show with the fury of a thousand suns.

I hope these suggestions helped some of you find suitable entertainment for your child. Please remember not to be a lazy, worthless sack of shit and sit your child in front of a television for longer than an hour total each day. Especially those of you that are raising daughters, because Bryce will soon be dating and i don't want him to have to pick from a crop of braindead fatties.

Parenting Tips - Dirty Diapers

2007-02-08T11:58:00.000-08:00

As part of my ongoing series of helpful child-rearing tactics today i will be discussing diapers and their contents.

There are many people out there that will tell you that baby poop doesn't start to smell until they begin to eat baby food. They insist the breast fed babies produce odorless feces...these people are nothing more than lying liars.

Baby poop smells like shit becasue it is shit. I agree that the stench gets progressively worse as the child's diet evolves, but the notion that dookie doesn't smell is preposterous. Here are some things you can expect in regards to babies and their bathroom habits:

- Diapers do not always contain the caca. There is nothing quite so disgusting as picking up your child from the crib and thinking to yourself "man, this baby has back sweat." Sad news friends, that isn't sweat. It's an ASSplosion. I do not have legal rights to the term ASSplosion, so feel free to use it as you will.

- When it comes to diapers, you get what you pay for. Cheap diapers lead to doodie-reah on your carpets, rugs and/or changing table.

- If you have a boy, he will pee on you as you change him. It's just a fact. There is nothing you can do to prevent it.

- At least once, your child will take a dump WHILE you are giving them a bath. It will be the most disgusting thing you have ever cleaned up. Ever.

I don't want this to end on a negative note, so i'll tell you this: i'm not sure it's possible to enjoy changing diapers, but you will continue to surprise yourself at the things you will do for your child. Bryce once shat himself in his bouncy seat. By "shat" i mean, there was turd all over his back, in his hair, in the bouncy seat...everywhere. To this day, I am stiill amazed at the shere quantity of crap that can out of him. Surprisingly, i didn't throw up or freak out. i just picked him up, got him out of his clothes, wiped him off and gave him a bath. Did i get another person's doo doo on me? Hells yeah. Will he remember me cleaning him up? Nope.

That's the thing about kids, you love them so much that you would literally clean up their shit and not complain. If there is a deeper, more complete love than that, i haven't seen it.

Helpful Dad hint: Children generally get into a habit of pooping around the same time each day. Always make sure you are doing a household chore around this time. Doing yardwork or a house project will get you out of changing a diaper. Sitting on the couch watching basketballl or football is not generally an accepted excuse for skipping out. If you only work on the project until the diaper is changed, you can drag said project out for weeks.

Parenting Tips - Breastfeeding

2007-02-08T11:57:00.000-08:00

What makes me qualified to give parenting tips? Let me put it to you like this; at 17 months Bryce can walk backwards, give high-5s, wave goodbye, blow kisses to ladies, dunk a basketball, run like the wind and say "Daddy, Mommy, apple, light, on and yeah, yeah, yeah"

While i have no idea if any of that is especially impressive, Ashley did most of the work and i lack any statistics to back up my claims, i'm going to go ahead and declare myself to be a parenting expert.

I would highly reccomend that those of you with children or those of you that are planning on having children print out these tips and place them in a fancy scrapbook of some sort. they will be invaluable. In fact, regardless of your intentions about having children, if you have reproductive organs you should probably keep these.

Tip #1

Try and get your wife (or baby's Mama) to breastfeed. Apparently it is very nutritious and blah, blah, blah. I guess there are a bunch of antibodies that occur naturally in breastmilk and cannot be replicated in formula. That's what scientists will tell you. But who are you goinig to trust? Some stuffed-shirt egghead or me? That is called a rhetorical question. Always trust the wit and wisdom of Brent Brandow over scientific fact or simple logic.

Basically, as a man, you can't do anything to help feed the baby when it wakes up in the middle of the night. Realistically, formula is probably just as good. But guess what fellas? You can give a baby formula at 3AM.

So by encouraging breastfeeding you are simutaniously looking out for the baby's well-being and getting some extra shuteye...all thanks to me. You're welcome.

*I should probably take this time to tell you that you should only let your wife breast feed for up to a year. Any longer that is kind of creepy.